My grades aren’t really looking up as they should.

Surely, they are better than before? I don’t really know. I’m not doing terribly as I thought I’d be. My grades in English Literature aren’t bad but they aren’t as good as I wanted. Somehow I slipped up during the exams and ended up with the lowest grade in the class of six people.

That’s a real embarrassment.

I think I dropped a grade in English, but I’m not sure. Stars aren’t really something I’m shooting to aim for so even if I did have a star last term, shedding it today isn’t bothering as much as the others are.

I’m actually quite surprised that I got a 3 in Liberal Studies. It’s like a miracle. I never listen in class, nor do I really understand the work. The subject judges your common sense and logic and your skill in communicating it, but I’ve always been the super sarcastic, “are you serious” kind of person so I never really “explain” things enough. Weak arguments, wrong focus… Those are the most common complaints I get from the teachers

I don’t get the subject, but whatever. This module’s about Modern China. I hate history. I didn’t choose Chinese History as an elective for a reason. It’s so boring. I slept for an entire class and skipped the extra lesson because I had to be on duty. I feel like I missed a lot of things and I’m scared I won’t be able to catch up.

Even then, I still hate the concept of actually trying to stuff all this history into my mind. I don’t need to know this. I don’t want to know this.

Ugh.

I’m still not getting the grade I need in Chinese. I need at least a 3 to stay in Hong Kong, but I’m still stuck at 2. At least, it’s not as bad as I did last year first term. It was a 1 and I was petrified. Didn’t realize how stressed I was over it and hellbent on changing until the end of the year, when I got the second term report back. The 2 somehow lifted a giant weight off my shoulders and I crumpled. It was at that moment where I truly understood what it meant to be under stress.

Invisible stress would be the death of me, I swear. It has caused me so much trouble before, including messing up my sleeping. It’ll one day be the end of me.

I don’t know what I can do more in Chinese to ensure I could jump one more grade. Study more? Do more exercise? I really have no idea. I have to give up on reading since it’s very hard and even the teacher admitted it’s where most of the students trip and die.

I really want to say that the only reason I got a 2 again, this time, is because I slipped up on writing. Just because of that one mess up that caused me to be rooted in place. I really want to say it, but I’m not sure if it is. I think I did quite well in everything else, even passed my first ever speaking exam. I’m not sure because I’m still really insecure.

I never paid attention in Chinese class back in primary school and I didn’t have a good base to begin with. The reason is quite obvious as I’m typing this entire thing in English rather than Chinese. My brother and my father liked speaking to each other in English, and Cartoon Network didn’t offer Cantonese dub overs. There, I said it.

The only thing that I think didn’t make sense in the entire predicted grade list (yes, a 2 in Visual Arts is expected because I was borderline 2 and 3. I missed a category in the essay part) is Mathematics.

No, I’m not saying I should get a 5, or whatever crazy grade. The only thing I’m saying is that the lowest I really deserve, based on my performance on the examination, is a 1. Outrageously, probably a 2.

But no, they gave me a U. He gave me a U. The damned teacher. U is unclassified and it basically means I did so bad that they can’t even give me a grade, they can’t grade it to put it frankly. But they could. They did. I got a 34 and in order to get a U is to get below 15. Which I didn’t get. My maths isn’t that bad that I can’t tell the difference between 34 and 15, you guys.

Don’t ask me why the hell he gave me a U. Maybe it’s because he thinks the terrible grade would inspire me to listen and work harder, as it did for me in Chinese. He constantly repeats that I have the power to get something over a 3, but guess what? A 2 is enough. It’s enough for me to stay and 3 is just too much. It’s way more than I have room for.

I inspire to be a writer, not a mathematician.

I’m seriously just one step away from getting in there and breaking their fucking arms.