let me go, i don’t want to be your hero

I don’t care if you didn’t directly say it, ignoring it is already enough ground to claim transphobia.

I’m not verbal about being trans. In fact, I actually feel shame that I am. Well, not exactly shame, but I’m not proud that I have to go through all that trouble and I feel like a hassle to have to force others around me to change and accept who I am.

Sure, now that I said it, it sounds like something society has conditioned me to think, that I’m selfish for being who I am. But it does affect me and I don’t want to bother others with the whole thing.

I just want to be a cis guy so that I don’t have to deal with people thinking my voice is too girly, or that I don’t appear male, so they don’t treat me as one. I feel like I’m bothering them by reminding them of facts that they didn’t ask for, even though they are expressing confusion over my desired gender presentation which warrants an explanation regardless of their intent.

You can’t exactly let a person run wild claiming a pig is a cow when it’s obviously not. You have to correct them, lest they make a bigger fool out of themselves than they already are.

Of course, you also don’t need to, but I think it’s better for everyone’s sanity (or simply just yours) if you do.

It happened at school. I basically told everyone, whether it was roundabout or not, that I prefer male pronouns and being referred to/treated as a male. For some reason, this dense PE teacher decided it is not important.

Even though I basically begged on my knees to dance the guy’s part (which also means to dance with a girl) when we had a dance session, she somehow didn’t get the message then.

Alright, maybe she thought me saying, “I’m a guy” actually meant “I want to dance the guy’s part because I dislike the girl’s part and it has nothing to do with the crumbling of my sanity due to the constant gender pressure.”

I guess it makes sense, so when I expressed frustration with how I don’t want to be part of the girls’ team to play fake hockey with, she didn’t react. Instead, she told me not to throw her plastic hockey stick because it’s expensive and it’ll break.

It’s plastic, lady, it won’t break. But whatever, it seemed obvious then that her logic is flawed from the beginning.

I kept saying she’s being transphobic for not letting me play on the boys’ team, or let me stand with the boys when we’re taking a picture.

I guess you can’t argue with someone who only has half a brain because she just ignored me. Do you not understand anything about mental health?

Okay, as a teacher in Hong Kong, I guess you don’t.

But if you want the best for us, then why are you ignoring what will obviously be best for me?

I don’t even know what’s going through their heads anymore. It’s even worse when I already submitted a parent-signed letter to remove my English name from the school system a year ago.

This dumb school for some reason won’t remove the name completely because I still see it somewhere — and that damn University counselor used it to address me in an email.

Of course, the email content was useless because I had Google handy. All I needed to do is Google “tariff points” and I’ll get the calculator, I don’t need her stupid table. So naturally, I deleted the email without even a sassy reply.

If I did it, I’d probably start it like:

Dear Yeun,

I don’t know how this school works, but it would be wise for you to at least recall there is one particular student in this form that had requested a name removal. I am aware of my infamous reputation at this school, so it should not take long for you to recall who I am and what I did.

Regardless of whether or not the school actually removed the name, since I still see it in the “nickname” section of some documents (which I understand not the purpose of. My nickname is “Tobi” so do you care to put that in instead? If your school is looking for the term, English given name, it would be “[REDACTED]” since I legally do not have an English given name and it could be freely exchanged with another whenever I wish. What say you to that, sloth?), it would do you well to respect my wishes of never having to see that repulsive name used to refer me ever again.

It would also be wise for you to remember that I am studying for the 2017 course, and not 2018. I do not need the 2018 table. 2017 would suffice, as I am starting University on September 2017.

Yours sincerely,

Just in case anyone is unclear on what name I prefer.

I just made that reply up on the spot, I didn’t really plan any reply because one, I wanted that email out of my inbox immediately so I don’t need to look at that dreaded name anymore, and tow, I plan on never talking to anyone ever again even when I’m back for graduation practice, or in graduation dinner.

Speaking of which, I would totally wear a suit to that. I don’t care what my parents say or let me do, I’m wearing a suit. Or a really smart but also casual outfit if they won’t get me a suit, like a nice button shirt and jeans because fuck you, I’m a dude.

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