the last stage

Recently, I’ve been feeling rather depressed.

I’m not going to go ahead and self-diagnose myself, but that is the only thing I could think of that fits my symptoms. When I list them out, as well, other people seem to come to the conclusion that it might be depression.

I barely eat anymore. It might not have anything to do with it, but a friend mentioned that depression can affect eating. I’m not hungry, or sometimes I just do not have the urge to eat.

I know it’s not healthy to starve myself but I just cannot help it. I don’t want to eat and that’s that.

I’m tired all the time, no matter how long I sleep. I might have just fucked my sleeping schedule since I sleep at almost 3 AM every night, but no matter what, I’m tired. I tried getting up early so that I would feel tired at an appropriate time to prevent myself from staying up accidentally, but it never works. I never have the energy to get out of bed even if I wake up early.

I just lay there and refuse to move, even when I have to relieve myself. I just drift between the realms of awake and asleep because it is only then that I feel free from everything that plagues me.

When I get out of bed, I immediately feel the weight of everything that I have to do.

I’m forgetful. I keep forgetting things that I have to do, procrastinating when I don’t even mean to. I have to do this, I have to do that. I have to make sure I did this and that for the University, make sure that I buy this and that for the trip to the UK. I have to plan this and that for the trip to Japan, make sure everyone is interested in the places I’ve picked and then manage the time as well. I have to write this thing and reply to that thing, entertain this person and also spare some time to talk to that person.

And then I get stressed about the things that I have to do, making me feel even worse. It’s a chaotic circle of depression and stress. Even though high school is over and I supposedly have more free time, I do not feel free.

I am plagued by things that I have to do, things that I need to complete. I feel stressed if I don’t do it but I don’t even remember the things that I have to do. When I remember, I feel even more stressed and lack the motivation to even move my arms and legs.

I used to write to relieve stress, to get rid of the excess nervous energy that is pent up within me from school or anything else. But now I do not even want to do that, leaving my Evernote to become void despite recently purchasing the Plus plan.

It is infuriating that I cannot do anything at all, even though I want to stop. I want to exercise but I cannot even bring myself to get out of bed most days. I lay there and wonder why I must do all these things.

I wonder, sometimes, if things will ever calm down for me. Will it be better once I’m in the UK and everything feels just a little more solid and reachable? Going overseas is still like a dream to me. It does not feel real. Doing something for the future is never realistic for me and it just makes me even more anxious.

What if I fail? What if I forget to buy my books and it’s already time to leave for England? What if I don’t meet any friends? What if I’m doomed to spend all three years of studying alone?

What if I have bad people as my roommates? What if I cannot stand the sight of them? I would be bitter and they will spread rumors about me, leaving me without friends once again.

What if I become uncomfortable with the way they treat me? I will certainly not have the courage to come out to them. I barely managed to do it with my friends here.

All these questions ruin me. It destroys me and eats me from the inside. The longer I dwell in this soup, the more I find things to hate. I cannot stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I disassociated what I see in the mirror with myself. I do not want to face yet another thing that I have to worry about.

I don’t even want to talk anymore, knowing that I will simply hate the words that I sound. I hate everything about myself. I hate my body, I hate it all.

For the first time in six years, I find that I cannot see the overwhelming cons of being dead.

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