anywhere, just not here

Home is where the dark thoughts are.

It’s quieter here. I know this place, I grew up in this place — well, mostly. I have so many memories here that it’s hard to escape the haunting times when you lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling and listening to the cars drive by because you can’t sleep.

In England, I slept just a little bit more soundly because I knew if I slept, the day would pass and it would be one day closer to when I can go home.

But also, more seriously, it’s because I have no ties in the room and there are no histories that chain me to those walls.

The noise of being unfamiliar with the place is loud enough to drown out the usually deafening scream of my own thoughts.

Once I’m at home, though, there’s nothing to distract me with. I am left alone with my thoughts.

There’s nothing more terrifying than that — being left alone with your thoughts.

There are things you don’t want to think about, things you don’t want to remember, things you want to keep locked in your mind forever.

But when everything is resting, when nothing is moving, when there is no strangeness in the room to keep you curious and confused, your mind lets loose and all you could think of is what a piece of shit you are.

Regardless of the fact that you have to wake up at nine the next morning, you would lay there well into five and do nothing but think about what a piece of shit you are.

Growing up is terrifying. There are suddenly so many things I need to take care of that I never even realized existed. When I offend people I don’t have my parents to tell me it’s okay and have them by my side.

When I have no friends because I hate opening up to people, I don’t have people close to me to keep me company because they’re nearly 10,000 km away.

I’m such a piece of shit.

I don’t even wake up in the morning anymore. I stay in bed as long as I can, as long as my bladder allows me to. I don’t want to move. I just don’t want to do anything. I want to go back to a time where I’m allowed to do nothing and lay around.

I’m a total piece of shit.

How do I stop being a piece of shit? I don’t even think it’s possible at this point. It’s just all that I am now. A piece of shit.

I want to break something.

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