i hope i choke

I don’t even know why I am writing this. I didn’t want to write it because I don’t know, I thought maybe these deep dark secrets might come back to haunt me, whether or not I actually do fulfill the life I imagined for myself.

But I guess it’s not good to bottle it up. So I’m writing it because I know I should talk about it.

I mean, I should at least make a password-protected Tumblr blog because no one’s going to read it anyway, but I already have this WordPress blog and hey, deep down, in the end, all humans want to share and connect. It’s in our nature to seek socialization, no matter how anti-social you might think you are.

The thing is, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to step out of my bubble to socialize with the current people around me. No offense to England, and it’s not that I don’t want to be here, it’s just that… I don’t want to be here.

Everyone here, well, sucks. I don’t connect with a lot of them and I don’t know if it’s because I am refusing to make an extra effort or if it’s genuinely because we just don’t have a connection.

That becomes a problem because when I need emotional support, I’ve got no one else but the people back home. They’re not usually free, either, mostly because of the time difference but also the main one is studying law, even though we are in the same time zone.

I just feel so alone and there’s nowhere I could turn. I’m too scared and chicken to go to this student support thing at campus. Hell, I’m way too shy to even go to the doctor’s, even though my mother definitely pushed something against my ear drum.

At times like these, I just want to lay down and do nothing. I feel like I have zero energy and there’s nothing I could do about it. I would only eat because I know I should, instead of eating because I’m hungry.

It’s just a complete and utter mess because it’s only in England that I feel like this. I feel so much better and happy when I’m at home. Is this homesickness? Sure, let’s call it that, and then throw in depression just to make the entire thing more delicious.

I don’t know if I should even get help at this point. Is it just me? Am I just making everything up? Probably. I am probably doing this because I want attention. It feels like it, because I don’t have any more attention from my family and best friend anymore.

I feel like I’m losing everything. My control, my mind, my happiness. I just can’t go on anymore. Every time I see my flatmates I just roll my eyes so hard I almost give myself whiplash. It’s unhealthy. I want to be friends with them, but they’re just so dumb and unsanitary. It’s completely and utterly disgusting.

I just wish I had more friendly flatmates where I’m friends with all of them, instead of them having their own little circle and I have to weave around them to even just eat.

No one’s ever around me either. My roommate is an animation student so they’re always at the studio, and my only friend in the course lives next door so I can’t really spend all my time there annoying her.

I just feel so helpless and alone.

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