after the rain

So, I’m only writing this because it’s probably time for another update. I’m not sure what I’ll talk about since most of the time I just make things up as I go along, but I read someone else’s blog post and I suppose it’s time for me to also do an update, even though it’s been barely a month since my last one.

So, mentally, I have been doing horribly.

I think for the past two weeks I have been in a very, very bad place. I couldn’t find the reason to get out of bed and I’m always tired, even though I didn’t really do much other than wake up. I knew something was wrong when I didn’t even get upset over the usual things I’d be upset over.

It had been hell that week. I just didn’t care about most things, sat there in front of my laptop watching vine compilations and laughing mindlessly at those stupid six second videoes. It’s the only time I laugh, too. I don’t find anything else funny.

At one point, I was even discouraged from doing Kung Fu. Which is quite strange considering the fact that I’ve always wanted to do some sort of martial art. A way to look cool while also keep fit at the same time. I suppose it was just because I had a lot to deal with, what with my ear being clogged and unable to find my footing with my current university work.

But I think I’m getting better now, even though I still obviously have issues. I skipped a lesson last Friday because I was just so tired. I was even late to the first class by nearly an hour because I slept in.

It reminds me of the whole ‘high-functioning depression’ thing. I don’t know if it’s real or not, but from what I’ve gathered, that seems very likely. I won’t go ahead and self-diagnose myself with something that might not even be real in the first place since I’ve also been watching crack videoes that judge the Tumblr community. I don’t want any SJWs on my ass for faking something or have them white-knighting me because I say I have something.

Anyway, that’s just been most of my life. I think what I’m feeling most now is anxiety. I feel very anxious that I am very airheaded nowadays and I feel like I’m missing important bits of seminars. I’m always confused as to what we need to do and I need to ask others multiple times to get things right. I’m not sure what I will do when it comes to the assessments since there is one that’s due in March and I still don’t really know what’s going on.

I feel like I’m still on holiday, which fucking sucks. I constantly feel this because I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that I’m in England. Like, actually studying in England. I never had to and I probably never will after these three years. But I am now and I know this, even though my brain doesn’t feel like admitting it.

I don’t feel like I’m going to school when I go to seminars because it’s just so different than what I’m used to, especially the environment and the language. The people around me also affect me, since they’re mostly just happy-go-lucky people who take things very easy. No one discusses the urgency of a piece of work and I don’t get motivated to work.

I’m not blaming them. They can do whatever they want, but I am so dependant on others discussing work while I lurk that it’s become disruptive when no one talks about it. I just feel like I’m not studying.

It feels like I’m on holiday here, kind of like those learning trips that my old school used to send us to. I constantly miss my family and home, so my mind thinks I am on those trips because I’m always away from my family and home when I am, coupled with the fact that we don’t ever work on those trips.

Which sucks even more because it had been Chinese New Year. I didn’t get to spend it with anyone and I had no nice Chinese food. I can’t cook and even if I could, I didn’t have the ingredients. No one (other than those who knew it was Chinese New Year because of me) said Happy Chinese New Year to me. It just felt so surreal.

It’s like I’m here, but I’m not really here. Everything just doesn’t seem real to me.

Is this what Mae (Night in the Woods) felt when she was off to college? When her dissociation became worse?

Of course, I don’t have any sort of episodes of derealization. I know these people are real and here to do real work, but I just sort of feel like I am in some sort of TV show, where nothing I do has consequences. I just don’t feel like I am here to do real work, even though I am. Is this a form of dissociation of the real world?

At the back of my head, I just hear my mom telling me I’m in England to study, not play. I keep remembering this, probably my conscious telling me to fucking get on with it, and it boots me into a sort of momentary adrenaline phase, but then it fades and I’m back to lamenting what the fuck am I actually doing. I am losing all sense of urgency.

I think the only way to fix this is to really write everything down so that I have it right beside me. I know I have to do things, but I keep forgetting what it is. Something about a presentation about the conspiracy theory on The Wizard of Oz and the album by Pink Floyd by Week 6 of Writing as a Reader, keeping a journal on you at all times and writing down something for Audience & Context, and something about a publishing house for Introduction to Publishing.

Everything is just a haze. I know I should do something, some have deadlines, some I don’t know the deadlines of (which removes its urgency). Something’s wrong and I need to fix it somehow. So, maybe if I just turn those into actual, visual things, they won’t be so figurative anymore.

At the same time, I’m also trying to get myself to do something else to release this (it must be) stress. I used to write fanfiction but now I’m procrastinating against it as well. I don’t know what’s happening.

And — at the time of writing — as it’s Monday, I have Kung Fu tonight. I just got reminded of that and my stomach just clenched at the thought of having to do something. It’s good for me and I actually do like it, but now I’m dreading it. It might be just me knowing that I won’t see my friends there and I’ll just be constantly disappointed.

I hate having subconscious expectations for everything.

I need to start on writing everything that I need to do into a physical list ASAP.

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