The day we talked, the sun was about to set. It turned the sky pink, out at the sea.
It wasn’t too cold but the wind made it brisk. It hurt my ears and they felt like they were burning, yet at the same time, it felt as though they weren’t there.
You weren’t there, either. But you were near, just not close enough.
I was alone, surrounded by people. It was five, turning six. People were walking by, hurrying to do whatever they had to do. Shops were closing, employees were cleaning up after the last customers leave.
I wanted to see you, yet I didn’t like anything you suggested. I made excuses because I didn’t even know what I wanted. I told you I wanted to play a video game but I didn’t really feel like it.
I didn’t feel like doing anything. Nothing but sit there in the middle of the street.
Just to sit. Nothing else.
I didn’t want to walk back to the house, I didn’t want to sit down at your place, I didn’t want to lie down on the floor, I didn’t want to drink hot chocolate, I didn’t want to play video games, I didn’t want to continue walking.
I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to laugh.
I saw the sun as it began to set, casting an explosion of colors across the sky. It felt immense and overpowering, right on top of my head. Against the baby blue of the sky, the clouds were tinted a pastel orange and it made a cotton candy pink, reflected right on the sea.
I stopped walking. It was overwhelming.
I didn’t want anything else. You still thought I did.
In truth, perhaps, I just wanted to cry. I didn’t know why but it felt appropriate. I was overwhelmed and I was afraid. I still am.
I am petrified.
I told you that the sky was pink, just out at the sea. I knew you could see it from your room. Your room had a sea view, you said it was that was why it was more expensive, compared to the others. I knew you would look outside to see it.
I couldn’t see you, but maybe you were sitting at your desk, doing your reading and your creative assignment when I messaged you. Maybe you continued to sit there as you replied to me, all the while still doing your work. Maybe when I mentioned it, you looked up and out your window to look at the same sky I was looking at, just two steps from your front door.
Maybe I just wanted to do nothing. Lie there and do nothing. Maybe I just wanted your company. Maybe I didn’t want your company. Maybe I didn’t want to lie there and do nothing with you. Maybe I did wanted to just stare into space with you.
Maybe you don’t like me anymore.
I was relieved when you said you didn’t feel like watching me play the video game. I was relieved. I didn’t want to play a video game. I asked for the hot chocolate because I didn’t want to play a video game but I didn’t want to go back to the house either. That is the truth.
Maybe you were right. Maybe I was desperate for company. Or, maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I just needed to get my mind off of whatever that was in my head. It clouded me. I couldn’t see very well. My eyes were dry and the wind was chilling.
Everything hurt and I just wanted to close my eyes and stop.
I didn’t want the hot chocolate. I didn’t want the video game. I just wanted to not be where I was. I didn’t want to go where I had to go. It hurt.
It hurts now.
I had to go anyway. You didn’t want me around. I knew it. I let you admire the sky and walked past your door.
I didn’t know why, but if I didn’t fight to hold it in, I would have cried on the way up the hill.
No, it wasn’t your rejection. I didn’t want the things I asked of you anyway. I didn’t want them. I just wanted something to distract me. Nothing came to distract me. I felt bitter.
My throat hurt. My eyes hurt. My ears felt as though they were going to fall off, burning in the cold wind.
But it didn’t matter because all I wanted to do was to hide from everything. To hide from me.
Maybe it was better off for both of us that you didn’t feel up to it. Maybe it was the right thing to do.
The image of the sea, filled with pretty pink water, is burned in my mind. I see it when I close my eyes. I feel you looking at it once, then resuming your work.
I feel you slipping. Further away from me.
I just want to disappear.
I just want to be gone.
The sky was pink when I messaged you. It reflected into the sea, turning the normally stormy blue into a gentle pink.
And the sun began to set when we stopped talking.