to the only girl i ever loved


It’s been a few years since our graduation and a lot has happened since then, huh? I guess we’ve had our issues since before our graduation, but it’s been so long that I’ve forgotten exactly when we’ve had the fight that really broke us apart.

I never told you that I fell in love with you a few months into our friendship. I remember it was when we walked home together after school and you were telling me about your family. That hot autumn evening, as the sun was sinking in the horizon, I fell in love with you.

You know, you are the only girl I ever loved. You were special to me.

When you told me all about your life, about your mother and your father, and your brother and your friends whom you treat as though they were your brothers… I thought you were so brave. I thought it was “you vs. the world.” I thought you were so cool.

We were close, once. So close, in fact, that people would ask me to console you when you were upset because I seemed to be the only one you’d talk to. It was true, for a while. I liked that, for a while.

When you told me that I am the only person who you can trust in the whole world, I thought I was special. You told me that everything I was hearing was for my ears only, that no one else in your social group knows, other than the people involved. I thought I was special to you and maybe I was, in your own twisted way.

But the longer it went on, the more I realized it wasn’t something special. You were just dumping your emotional baggage on me and it took a toll.

Haha, did I ever mention that I had a really bad temper? I tried to change but it’s hard to change who you really are, deep down. It really pissed me off that you only ever looked for me when you had something to vent, to complain about how your life is so imperfect and troublesome. I tried to help, you know. I tried to offer you advice and to make you see that there is some good in everything, but you didn’t listen to me.

I was foolish to think that you’d listen to me. I was too blind to realize you were using me in the first place. You never wanted my advice. You just wanted to talk about your problems and then leave.

You never offered to help me in return. You never cared about my feelings.

We are too alike to be together. Hotheaded, stubborn… Yes, we are too alike. Even now, we remain the same. I get upset over the tiniest of things and you never seem to be able to find the right words to say anything. We are too similar.

We were never meant to be.

You were the stars of my sky, you know? Your independence, your strong will… It was beautiful. It was so beautiful I could never stop thinking about it. I thought about sketching you, writing you into a book, turning you into something eternal so that everyone would know your beauty.

Things change. I read somewhere that the same reason you fall in love with someone is the same reason you fall out of love with them. I can see it happen now. Your independence was just a refusal to cooperate. Your strong will was just unnecessary aggression.

It was never “you vs. the world.” It was you putting yourself above everyone else because you think you’re more important. You think everyone should revolve around you, should make plans around your schedule. It should really be “you vs. your ego.”

I tried. I really tried. I tried to make our friendship work, even if it won’t go anywhere further than that. In the end, I suppose, neither of us wanted to give our best to fix whatever it is that we had.

I loved you. I thought the world of you. You were one of my best friends. And yet, I had always found myself wanting to piss you off one final time so you would finally block me everywhere so I can feel relief.

I guess we were just never meant to be.

Thank you for the four years of friendship that we shared, and the rare moments of shared happiness after that. I will remember you forever. Thank you.


Categories: an open letter

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