Someone once said, “Live every day like it is your last day.”

That has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard.

How can people be expected to keep a positive outlook when things look so bleak? It is hard to stay happy if you knew today is the last time you get to experience everything. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to face everything with a smile and I am not one such person.

While I am by no means an anxious person, or a chronic overthinker, I think it is hard to not worry or feel sad about things that are coming for you in the near-future. I think I am a carefree person, a person that fully adapts to the “be water” or “go with the flow” philosophy, but there are certain things that still don’t fit that well with me.

It hurts to know that things are out of your control, that one day you can wake up and everything that you’ve done is out of your hands, even if you are the one responsible. You are your biggest enemy and there is no way to beat yourself over your own game.

You either accept defeat or continue to war with yourself, and the ending is the same regardless.

Every time someone reminds me of the fact that today is my last day at home, it hurts. There is a knife in my stomach and they drive it deeper into me with every mention of it. There is no way to be positive and anyone who tells me otherwise need to mind their own damn business.

Even if this is the last trip, there is no changing the fact that I still have to leave home and I still have to spend twelve plus hours alone with my own thoughts, the worst of the demons that plague me.

Someone once said, “Don’t reminisce on the past’s events. Don’t predict the future’s problems. Focus on the present.”

How can I? My past is gone and my present revolves around my future. All of these sayings are a bunch of bullshit said by people who have never struggled before. If they did, they would tell you that it is okay to feel sad and that it is normal, not that you should try and be happy about being in pain.

The even more ignorant and privileged ones try to fully pin the blame on me, as if I don’t do that already every time it gets quiet. You repeating the fact that I “chose” to go to England does not help me in the slightest and you also have no idea what you are talking about. I did not “choose” to go to England. I “chose” a university that I never thought I had to go to because that was Plan Z. It was never supposed to happen and then it did.

I am bitter because I failed, not because I chose anything. It hurts because I know I could have done something about it but I was too arrogant (or too stupid) to do it, not because I chose it directly.

Just because you have a freedom of choice doesn’t mean everyone else does. If you don’t understand that, then you can go fuck yourself.