Have you ever been hung up on someone? Thinking about them day and night. And whenever you have a moment of free time to yourself, your mind naturally deviates to them?
Don’t be embarrassed if you have experienced that before. It’s not really that uncommon. A lot of people have a “lost love,” or “the one that got away.” For some people, this might be someone that had drifted apart or someone they lost to an accident. But if you’re anything like me, it’s someone that you never really formally had a relationship beyond the platonic bond you had.
Either way, you’re missing someone and you’re seeking to move on from them. That’s absolutely okay and I hope I can help you by showing you the three steps I took to move on from something that never happened.
Waiting for the person you’re hung up on to get back to you? Well, you might have heard of this famous quote that originated from Kahlil Gibran: “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.” This is demonstrated well in this video by Cut, as a lot of people wish that their “lost love” will come back to them. A good ending might come from this idea but the longer time goes on, the more awkward and desperate you will seem as you wait for them. I believe it is within your best interest to just start moving on if they don’t come back to you within a month.
But how? Well, first thing’s first: remove anything and everything that reminds you of them. That means photos, messages, and social media accounts. Though, this doesn’t mean you have to delete them. You just have to remove them out of your sight. For example, you can archive your message window with them, or you can mute them on social media. For photos, you can put them in a separate folder, preferably with a passcode (or if it’s physical photos, just put them in the furthest corner of a drawer you rarely open), and never look at them again.
I understand that these actions are easier said than done. You’re literally cutting them out of your life without warning and it’s hard on your heart, but it’s a necessary step to move on. If you are not ready to do these things immediately, you can ease into them by stopping yourself from messaging them more than five times a day and start putting away photos one at a time. Eventually, you will reach a point where you have ceased conversation with them and have hidden away all photos.
The next step is to start immersing yourself in a new hobby or a social group. Keeping yourself busy is a key part as it should keep your mind from drifting to the other person. This has helped me a lot and I find it even more helpful to make a new group of friends who have no contact with your “lost love” to minimize the potential of them being brought into your conversation.
Making new friends also has an added benefit: you might find another potential partner out there to take your mind off of the other person. Moving on means moving on, and casting your eyes on the horizon is part of it.
And last but not least: do not make yourself forget about them. This sounds weird as you are actively trying to forget and move on, but hear me out: you shouldn’t make yourself forget. They have played an important role in your life and sooner or later, they will float back into your mind. It will happen, whether you like it or not. The important thing here is to embrace that fact. Channel it into something else — for me, I channel the inspiration and yearning into my writing. If you no longer talk to them, it is a good way to remember them by. For me, it’s a good way to churn out content when I’m in a writing dump.
Or, if you’re like Rayne in the Cut video, you might find that your “lost love” might not be as good as you thought they were. Once those rose-tinted glasses are off, you start to notice all the little things that you missed before.
You know, it’s funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.Wanda the Owl, BoJack Horseman, Season 2: Episode 10
As one Tumblr user puts it: “Most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it.” Once you step back, take a breather, and manage to see the bigger picture, your rose-tinted glasses will naturally fall off. When you realize that your “lost love” isn’t as perfect as you might remember them to be, it will help immensely in your progress of moving on.
When I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life.Taylor Myers (acutelesbian)
This, of course, doesn’t stop you from remembering them fondly. And, as I said, you shouldn’t stop yourself from remembering them fondly! However, it is important to remember that you shouldn’t glorify them anymore – because they never made an effort for you and you shouldn’t either.
In the follow-up post by Myers, she states that the class had an uplifting note: “Everybody said that [love] was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.
“The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.
“The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.”
There is a lesson to learn from this: if you let them go and they didn’t come back, they chose to walk away because either they never held you in the same regard you hold them to, or that they just aren’t committed to you and you shouldn’t have to deal with that in your life.
I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.
Taylor Myers (acutelesbian)
At the end of the day, moving on is for you. The other person wouldn’t be your lost love if they cared about you the same way you care about them. Moving on is only natural. It is the most healthy path you should take, but remember that they will always be a part of your life and that’s okay too.